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<<   作成日時 : 2014/10/17 13:22   >>

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英語によるジョーク集

1.Reading the newspaper, I hit upon a joke. I seem to be clear-headed, intelligent and brainy today. If you read it by enjoying it, I'm happy. Now I'll write the joke bellow.

Do you know why peas roll off the plate when tilted? If you don't know the reason, you must be square. I think you should smooth down the rough edges of your characters.

Some people ask us a strange question. "If you were an animal, what animal do you think you resemble?" I always answer, "I look very much like a goldfish." More often than not, they laugh out loud. I don't know why it's so hilarious. I think it deserves to be praised to investigate why the answer makes people laugh. This is a very interesting question, isn't it?


2. When I was checking web-zines as usual, I came across strange news. I'd like to believe that it is a kind of joke. This is too important and serious to be the truth. The news said,

The worst fears of triskaidekaphobics and paraskevidekatriaphobics heve been realized. A survey by a psycologist suggests that they are probably more unlucky than people who treat 13 like any other number.

***** vocabulary ******
triskaidekaphobic = a person who is afraid of the number 13
paraskevidekatriaphobic = a person who is afraid of Friday the thirteenth

Do you believe this complicated suggestion? The ability of the psychologist for making new concepts in Latin is undoubtedly amazing. As for me, I'd like to believe that the only thing to be praised is his or her peculiar ability to devise new technical terms. This theory is so sophisticated that I could'nt believe. By the way, I'm afraid of 4 and 9. What are you afraid of?


3. I heard a rumor that the mayor of Yokohama has declared "ladies' night" and says he will fine any men found out in the evening, in an attemt to encourage them to stay at home and do the chores. I've got sick of the world to hear the news. I'd like to believe the rumor is an untruth. But I might be a bit drunk tonight. Lately I often stumble on strange ideas. I'm sorry if I guess wrong.


4. I usually sit in meditation at night. When I sit in meditation, I think nothing. In other words, I'm one of the greatest and stupidest people in Japan. In eastern philosophy, naught or emptiness means formlessness. For that reason naught can embrace everything in any forms. So naught is deeper than love and ens. So when I sit in meditation, I always try to bring myself to naught, although it is difficult to do. However, with alcohol this will be always successful. I assure you. It takes long time to awake. I'm a kind of trainee monk. I know I'm not sufficiently trained. It's difficult for me to distinguish the difference between dreaming and awakiening. I always wonder whether I'm dreaming or awaking. After all I must admit I'm not trained at all. So have a good dream, everyone.



5. In 2003 British astronomers warned of a potential - but remote - threat of a newly discovered asteroid striking Earth in 11 years' time. The asteroid, called "2003 QQ47" and weighing 2.8 billion tons, could strike earth on March 21, 2014, the Leicester, English-based Near Objects Information Center, or NEO, said in a statement.

The year 1999 has passed in peace against Michel de Nostredame. I've got another headache again. I wonder if I could sleep well till March 21, 2014. The 11 years is long. How should we cope with this threat?

One of my friends said, "Are there different opinions among other astronomers? Did you worry about Nostredame's prediction? I did not. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Chances are rather low, I guess. Even if it does happen, what can we do about it anyway. Let's not worry about something that we have no control over. Okey?"

This is good advice. But we must admit the end of the world might be coming soon.



6. I heard every second Germany cheats on or has cheated on their partner, according to a new survey published in 2003. In Japan the rate seems to be more often than in German.

I'm lucky not to be married. I'm too old to idealize a woman and get married. But I fall in love too easily. I don't know why. I'm falling in love with the piano now. She is so cute. What kind of fool am I? But isn't it romantic? What is this thing called love? You don't know what love is. I have ears only for the piano. And I have eyes only for you. The way you look tonight..... By the way, would you mind my asking you to tell me who you are?



7. Wohin besteht der Unterschied zwischen einem Psychotiker und einem Neurotiker? Der Psychotiker denkt, dass zwai plus zwai fuenf ist. Der Neurotiker weiss, dass zwai plus zwai vier ist, aber es laesst ihm keine Ruhe.



8.They say using music as a healing medium dates back to ancient times. I don't know how they could have proved it. Anyway it is known that music therapy is effective at promoting relaxation, relieving anxiety and stress, and treating depression. Now I understand why I'm always relaxed, quite free from anxiety, completely stressless, and distantly related to mental disorders. That's because I love music. Let me show the proof. Listning to music makes me forget myself and when the music stops I come to myself. In other words to forget myself may be the secret of mental health. By listning to music I can forget myself and reality. I think music is a second cause. How do you think of this point of view? Is it a little bit sad?




AESOP’S FABLES(イソップ物語)

THE FOX AND THE GRAPES

  A hungry fox stole one day into a vineyard where many branches of grapes hung ripe and ready for eating. But as luck would have it, they were fastened upon a tall trellis, just too high for the fox to reach. He jumped, and paused, and jumped again, in the attempt to get at them. But it was all in vain. At last he was completely tired out, and thereupon, "Take them who will," he cried, "The grapes are sour !"


THE OAK AND THE REED

  A great oak would never bow him for any wind, and a reed which was at his foot bowed himself as much as the wind would. And the oak said to him, "Why do you not abide still as I do ?" And the reed answered, "I have not the might you have." And the tree said to the reed proudly, "Then I have more strength than you,"
  And soon after came a great wind which threw down to the ground the great tree in question, and the reed abode in his own being.
  For the proud will be always humbled, and the meek and the humble will be enhanced, for the root of all virtue is obedience and humility.


THE WOLF AND THE CRANE

  A wolf had got a bone stuck in his throat, and in the greatest agnoy ran up and down, beseeching every animal he met to relieve him: at the same time hinting at a very handsome reward to the successful operator. A crane, moved by his entreaties and promises, ventured her long neck down the wolf's throat, and drew out the bone. She then modestly asked for the promised reward. To which, the wolf, grining and showing his teeth, replied with seeming indignation, "Ungrateful creature! To ask for any other reward than that you have put your head into a wolf's jaws, and brought it safe out again !"
  Those who are charitable only in the hope of a return, must not be surprised if, in their dealings with evil people, they meet with more jeers than thanks.


THE FOX AND THE GOAT

  A fox had fallen into a well, and had been casting about for a long time how he he should get out again; when at length a goat came to the place, and wanting to drink, ask the fox whether the water was good, and if there was plenty of it. The fox, dissembling the real danger of his case, replied, "Come down, my friend; the water is so good that I cannot drink enough of it, and so abundant it cannot be exhausted," Upon this the goat without any more ado leaped in; when the fox, taking advandage of his friend's horns, as nimbly leaped out; and coolly to the poor deluded goat,---"If you had half as much brains as you have beard, you would have looked before you leaped."


THE WIDOW AND THE HEN
  
  A widow kept a hen that laid an egg every morning. The woman thought to herself, "If I double my Hen's allowance of barley, she will lay twice a day." So she tried her plan, and the hen became ao fat and sleek that she left off laying at all.
  Figures are not always facts.


THE KID AND THE WOLF

  A kid being mounted on the roof of a lofty house, and seeing a wolf pass below, began to revile him. The wolf merely stopped to reply, "Coward ! It is not you who revile me, but the place on which you are standing."


THE MOUNTAIN IN LABOUR

  In ancient times, a mighty rumbling was heard in a mountain. It was said to be in labour, and a great number of people flocked together, from far and near, to see what it would produce. After long expectation and many wise speculations from bystanders --- popped out a mouse !
  The story applies to those whose magnificent promises end in a trifling performance.


THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

  On a cold frost day an ant was dragging out some of the corn he had laid up in summer time, to dry it. A grasshopper, half-perished with hunger, besought the ant to give him a mouthful of it to guard himself against death from hunger. "What were you doing this last summer?" said the ant. "Oh, I was not idle. I kept singing all the summer long." said the grasshopper. Laughing and shutting up his granary, the ant told the grasshopper, "Since you could sing all summer, you may dance all winter."
  We find out in winter time what we lay by in summer time. We should prepare for the winter.


THE FLIES AND THE HONEY-POT

  A pot of honey having been upset in a grocer's shop, the flies came around it in swarms to eat it up, and they would not move from the spot as long as there was more than a drop left. At length their feet became so clogged that they could not fly away, and stifled in the luscious sweets. They exclaimed, "What miserable creatures we are ! We have thrown away our lives for the sake of an hour's pleasure !"


THE DOG AND THE SHADOW

  A dog had stolen a piece of meat out of a butcher's shop, and was crossing a river on its way home, when he saw his own shadow reflected in the stream below. Thinking that it was another dog with another piece of meat, he resolved to take that out of its possession also; but in snapping at the supposed treasure, he dropped the bit he was carrying, and so lost all.
  To grasp at the shadow and lose the substance--- it is the common fate of those who hazard a real blessing for some visionary good.


THE CREAKING WHEELS
  As some oxen were dragging a waggon along a heavy road, the wheels set up a tremendous creaking. The driver cried to the waggon, "Brute ! Why do you groan, when those who are drawing all the weight are silent ?"
  Those who cry loudest are not always the most hurt.


THE BEAR AND THE FOX
  A bear used to boast of his excessive love for human beings and say that he never worried or mauled them if they had been dead. The fox obseved with a smile, "I should have thought more of your profession, if you never eat them alive."
  It is better to save a person from dying than to salve him or her when he or she is dead.


A GULL AND THE KITE
  A gull had pounced upon fish, and got choked in trying hard to swallow it and lay upon the deck as if he were dead. A kite who was passing by and saw him, gave no other comfort than--- "It serves you right. There is no reason for the birds of the air to meddle with fish of the sea."


THE MULE
  A mule that had grown fat and selfish owing to a great allowance of corn, was jumping and kicking about one day, and at length exclaimed while cocking up her tail, "My mother was a racer, and I am quite as good as ever she was." But as soon as she was knocked up with her galloping and frisking, she remembered all at once that her father was nothing but an ass.
  Every truth has two sides; it is better to look at the both sides, before we believe one side of them.


THE HEN AND THE CAT
  As a cat heard that a hen was laid up with sickness in her nest, he paid a visit of condolence and creeped up to her and said, "How are you, dear my friend? What can I do for you? Is there anything you want? Please tell me. If there is anything in the world you want, I can bring you it. Keep up your spirits, and don't be alarmed." The hen said, "Thank you. Are you good enough to leave me? If you leave me, I have no fear and I will be well soon."
  Uninvited guests are often welcomed most when they are gone.


THE TWO WALLETS
  Every person carries two wallets, one before and one behind him or her, and both of them are full of faults. But the one before him or her is full of his or her neighbour's faults and the one behind him or her is full of his or her own faults. Thus it happens that people are blind to their own faults, but never overlook their neighbour's faults.





Kimiyasu Arai
http://www5f.biglobe.ne.jp/~kimmusic/
http://kimiyasu-arai.at.webry.info/

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